Amber's Accident

I had started an entry about a week ago and had to stop.  Too painful.  The something even worse happened last Saturday afternoon. Amy, one of the twins, called me in tears and tells me that Amber has been  in a terrible accident and she is being flown to Mercy in Springfield.  My heart literally stopped and I told Amy to remain calm and be there for Amber - Luis and I would be there as soon as we could.  Luis and I frantically began ripping clothing out of the closet and shoving into our luggage.  I text my neighbors and left our house.  The entire drive Luis and I talked about random things to keep my mind off of things, but I still just kept thinking, god I hope she is alright, I hope she has no broken bones, and I hope she can still walk, most importantly I hope she lives.  My dad called and said she had rolled her car several times, that witness said it was at least 6 times.  I never said it aloud, but I thought to myself "my god, I hope she makes it"  Most people do not roll their car 6 times and get to talk about it later.  By the time nightfall came, my mom had called me and said she is conscious and they are going to be doing a CTScan on her to check for internal bleeding and her neck/spine.  Luis and I were both relieved to know she was awake and able to get up for a CTScan.  Then Angie facetimes us, and its Amber in a neckbrace, covered in blood, just sitting in the bed like nothing big had happened.  When I seen that I knew things would be pretty OK no matter what her injuries were because she was in good spirits.   By the time we were close to MO we got the word that she was being dismissed - and had no internal bleeding, neck and spine were good, and she would just be extremely sore and bruised.  All I know, whether you believe in miracles or Angels, she experienced both of those phenomenons that afternoon.  I know Grandma Joyce, Grandpa, and Uncle Jesse all save her during that wreck, and a miracle that she didn't have any sort of serious injuries.  I was happy to have driven 6 hours and seen my sister laughing and talking like nothing happened after just being in a terrible accident.  Thank God for that! It was a nice impromptu visit to see my family - but I never want it to be under those circumstances again.

My original post was going to be about our last doctor's visit.  I had gotten too emotional when typing it and had to just shut the PC down.  Luis and I found out a week ago that we will never have any biological children.  It really sucks to actually hear and type those words out.  We have talked and talked about it and how it would be okay.  But there was always hope in there, it wasn't a for sure thing that would be happening.  But to hear it and know it after all the progress we have made, it just sucks.  We really both have an issue with people that do not deserve to have one child, let alone be pregnant.  What did they do to deserve to be fertile, while a couple like us are paying the price.  It seems like every lowlife, crackhead, or con is as fertile as they come. It just sucks.  I am not going to say things are fine, they aren't at all.  Luis and I both are very upset and struggling with depression.

I hate to say this, but at least my sisters accident helped me to not think about it for a while.  I was prepared to spend a lot of time in MO if need be.  While I don't want to quit my job, I would have to stay in MO to help take care of Julian with my sister got better, because my mom cannot afford to not work.  I really do not want to talk about fertility anymore, so I will leave you with a few picture os Amber's car.

Getting off track - finding your way back.

These last few weeks have been super stressful.  In the entire time we  have been on this transformation/weight loss journey I never cheated and never lost site of my goal or faith - until 2 weeks ago.

I am ashamed to even tell this, because I have been so strong all this time.  I let work stress get to me, let it penetrate and ruin my mind set and faith.  A person can only take so much beating from an individual who is completely and utterly out of touch with how the real world works.  Luis an I both ate terribly - something I reverted to that I haven't eaten or even thought of for 2 years.  And we just pitiful with it. All these feelings that I thought would be battled out - and I thought I had - some resurfaced. Once the mental stress of work broke down the barrier of faith - the sadness of dealing with our infertility reared its ugly face.

As luck would have it - the other doctor in the office needed help organizing and cleaning his office - which took a ton of stress off of me physically.  Also, gave me a break from my mental processing of work and personal life.  We have a huge complicated case I am helping with in the morning and I have been in the process of planning with all the doctors involved so that also helps me.

I have to be strong for Luis and myself.  I was relying on him - without telling him that I needed him to be strong for my decision process about food and what not. What I had forgotten was I was his strength and accountability.  The only way I am going to be successful in this battle is to get us both back on track and on our feet.  The path is there and we are both going to get back on it.  I never want to see that negativity again, and if that means that I have to make a lot of changes in my life concerning where and who I spend the bulk of my day with it - so be it.  No situation or money is worth my health and mental well being.

We traveled to Louisiana on Friday/Saturday to get the bed that we left in the attic of our old house.  The woman who purchased it from us is just a great person.  I was so happy to have gotten it back and she showed us all around the house and what she had done with the house.  You can really tell that she just loves the house - and that is great!  I got to catch up with Karen, Mickey, Carolyn, Hailey, Brent and Jenni, Jeremeh and Angie, and the Hanks.  We had a great trip and had a great time catching up with people.

Off to bed I must go!  Tomorrow will be a long and physically taxing day!

Travel/Stress

Things have been going great.  I am down about 15lbs and my scrubs are fitting more and more like they should every day!  I have had some days where we might bend the rules slightly, but not have a total derailment.  The support group on facebook is in one word AWESOME!  I have never posted any "skin showing" photos previously, but I was moved to do so in the group by other people.  We should not be ashamed of who are currently, but we know there is room for improvement that we are for a lack of better descriptive way - hungry for it.  Each of as person have what it takes to be successful, its a matter of tapping into that part of yourself - which for some is harder than others.

Again, I keep learning new things every time I do a challenge. I find more and things to shed, things that once held such grave importance (that includes people sometimes) really have no bearing on draw on my life and its time to shed those items.  I usually start by cleaning items away vs people, just because I NEVER follow my gut instinct, which I shouldn't question it.  I allow people 3 chances, but once that 3rd chance is up - I'm done with you.  I will no longer keep up one sided relationships and do all the work for a "friendship/relationship" that doesn't really having any substance or validity in my life.  With all that being said, we cleaned out our garage and took a ton of stuff to the local donation area that uses things for women and children in shelters.  I will no longer give things to family members that have the means to apparently buy new things that I myself cannot even have the luxury of doing.

I am currently having an inner battle with myself over my job.  I am under a ton of stress to get all things done - and I feel like I do a pretty good job of keeping up with it all, but one procedure, and then its like I am 50 steps behind where I thought I was.  Its always good to have that reassurance to give yourself, but considering this a total new field for me - I do not have that reassurance to give myself - just mostly doubt!

In recent days, I have had to have several uncomfortable conversations with people.  Not really uncomfortable for me, but mostly for the other parties involved, which is sometimes worse.  One was ending a relationship with a dental rep that really did a lot for us - believe me, I was super grateful to have had him for the set up, but like I tell every rep - I am needy, you are going to have to spend time with me and I'll have thousand questions.  Most of you know, I am super up front - sometimes too frank, but I don't want them to think its going to be a breeze account and then getting into it, its farther from the truth than they could have every imagined.   Now we a new rep (with in the same company) and he is better, but he is no Erik!  I wanted to have my rep back from LA, just because we have worked together for several years at my other office and he knows just how demanding I am and what I expect from a Rep.  But the RM here said it was not possible since he is in a different region.  The other conversation I had to have was with my boss.  It was something that I had wanted to tell him since my BIL root canal.  I could tell his feeling where hurt, but he wanted to know it all, so he got it all for sure.  I really miss what I did at the other office, but I know unless several people to move on - things would never be the way they needed to be.  Things just never work out as optimally as  you think they are going to be and nothing is ever the pure definition of perfect - perfect is what you make it to be - which is imperfect in itself.

Tomorrow we are leaving to go and visit Luis' Dad and family.  we are going to take a day and see the city and (Philly) and then the next days we will be in Allentown visiting.  We got hotel rooms this trip and it will be longer than 24 hours - the last time we went up there was a total wreck with travel and it was only for 24 hours - I'll never do that again for anything!

Wish us safe travels and positive vibes for the trip!  This will also be the first time his dad and the rest of them see us since we have lost the weight.  We shall see how that all goes!

Sedation Course

This short week has been a super eventful week!  Our office website went live!  Feel free to visit it! www.finleyendo.com   I also am taking a oral sedation class with my doctor.

What I have learned today (the first day of the class)  is that I actually knew way more about oral sedation than I thought I did.  I think it even surprised my boss as well!   I texted my old boss and told him thanks for all that he taught me about oral sedation, monitoring, and emergency situation things.  I actually got all but one answer correct in the questions during lecture.  Oh yeah, not to mention I am the only person who is not a doctor .... kinda strange - even more so when I am getting answer right that they are not!  I am providing the support for the people taking the webinar portion of the class.  Which consist of me texting people back from the doctor's phone that is giving the class! Pretty easy and I am getting CE courses for free!  Also, my boss is going to sedate me on sunday - so we shall see how that goes.  Hopefully I just sleep and I don't talk out of my head - like whenever I have had way to much to drink - which hasn't happened for years, but you know that kinda stuff just doesn't change!

I had to contact a friend back in Lafayette to help me with a situation at work.  I hate to have to involve him, but I'm basically at a point where I just had to since I was not getting any response from anyone here.  Which is pretty strange, I just hope they are both okay.  Its very out of character for them!

I am not sure if blogged about this or not.  We set up the "junk room" to bee an office space for both Luis and I.  I already had my super adorable secretary's desk (from Ikea) and Luis has had his eye on this big corner desk at Ikea for a while.  We actually found it in the returns bin - where it was 50%  off!  It has a little bit of cosmetic damage but nothing terrible. I have dubbed this room the Ikea room.  We have 2 desk, an end table, sofabed, and desk chair all from Ikea in here.

Anyhow, with that being said - I have the entire house pretty much set up!  The guest room is complete - we even have an armoire or clothing for when guest come over (we are using the closet for storage) Now, I need to send out our address change cards - I got side tracked!

Also, we booked a trip to go and visit Luis' dad and brother in PA.  One of the advantages of being in a bigger city now is the availability to travel for a decent price.  We haven't seen them in a few years, and Luis grandma is up there right now, so it would be the best time.  Luis mom will be here for Thanksgiving and we will see my family for a few days at Christmas.

I cannot wait to decorate for a fall when I get my new wreath next week!!

Working the weekend

Well Luis and I officially started our 12 week challenge on Monday.  Things are falling back into a nice routine.  It will take at least two solid weeks to completely adjust to no sugar at all.  We do not eat a lot of refined sugar - but weaning ourselves off of fructose - the sugar that naturally occurs in fruits and some vegetables.

Last night I made this amazing hamburger.  We used a portobello mushroom as the bread/bun, hamburger patty with small amount of cheese, one piece of bacon, (per request of Luis) 1 fried egg, shredded lettuce, sliced tomato and "bloody mary" pickles.  It was just what we needed after working so hard all day in the yard.

Tonight, I made some small very lean steaks and braised cabbage with a small amount of bacon (mostly for seasoning)  I have completely fallen in love with cabbage since losing weight - strangest thing!

This weekend, we worked very hard!  Sunday and Monday we worked outside on the yard.  Here in North Texas everyone has some kind of foundation problem, just because of the type of soil that is present here.  Our Realtor and home inspector told us the best way to help keep the foundation stable and hydrated to use soaker hoses around the perimeter of the house.  Whenever I re-did the front flower beds I buried the soaker hose in the font/side of the house.  This weekend we bought 3 azaleas of various colors, 3 ever green shrubs, and a bunch of potato vines (since I have not killed the ones I have had for a few months)  We planted the shrubs next to our deck - they are small but will grow big quickly - buried a soaker hose in that bed and mulched it - that was the easiest thing we did all weekend!  The back flower bed was like 90% clay that had been irrigated - so it was like digging in modeling clay - huge mess.  Luis had to had mend 2 hoses together - that in itself took 2 home depot trips. Just thinking about it all makes me tired!!!  Once I have the front looking like how I want it, I will take a picture.  We have someone building some railing for the font of the house - it mostly for looks - but was cute when it was there - it rotted so yeah needs to be changed.

Luis is on a one night business trip tonight.  I cannot believe how close to the airport we are - its crazy!  Via the toll roads of course.

I need to find a dermatologist here, my Roscea is acting out like it did 5 years ago whenever I broke out after our wedding.  Its not quite that bad yet or painful - but I am super babying it right now!

Cox Communications

Today I feel super accomplished!  I have cancelled 3 credit cards, opened a new account at TSFL for a  new client, and now I am on hold with cox to see about my refund that I have not received since we moved from Louisiana! And I have been doing laundry all during these process!  Again - feeling super productive!

The guy from Cox is SUPER helpful!  So was the girl last time, but still no refund - he is contacting the finance department for me to figure out why I haven't received my refund yet.  The last two times (this time being one of them) I have had awesome customer service - the two times before that I did not and was pretty rude on the phone - I am not going to lie.  The same thing I told the customer service rep - because I know they make notes about each call LOL and wanted to give my reasoning for being "THAT caller/customer".  We shall see if I get the refund next month or if I need to call back again.  I do know that the best number to call to NOT get Louisiana customer reps is 1.877.404.2606.  That's the number I will be calling from now on!!  All this fuss for 77.09.  Its worth it because cox is overpriced and annoying so its nice to return the favor to them!

Things are going very well at the office.  We accepted and signed with one insurance company so see if that generates some more business.  I have been super busy setting things up and negotiating fees with the insurance companies as well.  Plus, final edits to the website.  Once we go live I will post a link to the website.

I am thinking about ordering new cards for take shape for life since all of my current ones have all my Lafayette information on them.  I like some of the designs from vista print - might look into those!

Luis and I started our challenge a few days early to get on track so we are getting back into the swing of things.  Also a reminder of how easy it is to get out of a healthy habit that you have created.  So back to the basics for the next 12 weeks will be wonderful!

If you'd like to join my secret group on facebook for the 12 week health challenge there is still stime!! Just sent me a message here or on facebook and I'll get you added!

Acknowledging growth and change

To actively go through change and growth is easy - also easily over looked.  I just experienced it just a week ago.  I have been actively making changes for almost 2 years now.  All in a positive way of course.

We had never really told anyone (in our families) about the last meeting with our fertility doctor in Louisiana (right before we moved).  It wasn't the news we wanted to hear, but it also wasn't absolute horrible news.  We knew when leaving that day, the chances of us having a child were very slim.  It hurt.  I was depressed for a good while and covered it up - even to myself with all of the stress of the move.  My mom recently asked me if we were still trying to have a baby.  Of course we were on facetime with my dad, mom, and sister Amber .... I basically told them flat out.  It was sad to say, but I didn't feel that devastated feeling in my stomach.  At the time, to be honest, I didn't really notice.  Later, as I always do, I was thinking about our conversation and then had the realization that it had happened.  Immediately I told Luis.  We then noticed our growth. While it is still painful to know the truth, we have accepted it and grown from it.

Things are going in a more positive way at the office.  My boss is doing better now that we have had a few patients.  We even had our first new patient!  I have been working on TONS of things.  Even though we have not had patients a lot of the time, I always have things to do.  Yesterday was the first day we had two patients in a day. I am not going to lie, it is a struggle to try to do all the front and the back and stay on schedule.  Not to mention, I using/learning a system I have NO experience on or training.  Once we see a few more patients I think I'll have procedures, paperwork, and the such under control.